The Truth of the Matter

Well it was one of those days that I was sitting around feeling terribly sorry for myself. I was thinking about how a certain friend had been a complete b**** lately. And how I don't want to call her because I KNOW she will say something that hurts me.That got me thinking about that quote, "Life is too short to waste time on people who drag you down." I'm thinking, AMEN SISTA! I'm sooo done with this woman. I have full rights to just drop this "friendship" like it never existed. End of story. Problem solved.

Then today I was thinking about all that was going on in my life one year ago. I was sooo busy, and sooo stressed. I was trying to do online classes full-time, run a business and a half (the half being hobby-ish, but trying to make $), keeping the house clean, trying to make too many people happy and not knowing how to set boundaries...all while being the mom of 3 LITTLE ones, AND making time for my husband. I was so stressed.  I shut down one day, and stayed there for a while. I quit talking to everyone. The world just had to wait while I fixed this situation. So I straightened out my priorities, dropped the things that weren't worth the stress, and added some serious organization to the deal. I'm thinking,-I feel sooo much better now. It's good to be happy.

Then it hits me. Like a punch thrown with the force of a 75 mile an hour car. I HURT HER.  Hurting people hurt people. When life overwhelmed me, I ignored her, pushed her away and shut her out, because that's what I do in my despair. Always. No wonder I had such a hard time. Friends reach out to friends when they need A Friend. Because that's what friends are for. But me, in my selfish independence, chose to push everyone away. Most people went unaffected, as we all have busy lives, not everyone noticed. But she knows me better than that. Previously, we had talked nearly every day. Suddenly, I dropped her. And it must have sliced her like a knife.  My actions essentially told her, "I don't NEED you. You have wasted your time putting effort and love into this friendship, because I don't trust you enough to share my problems with you. I don't want your help, I don't want a shoulder to cry on, I don't even want your presence."

What have I done? Ever since then she has slowly been destroying all my confidence, dreams, and trust. It hurts. But oh my God. I did that to her all in one shot. She was like my SISTER. How could I have taken that for granted? How could I have been so self centered? I can't believe that I wasn't there for HER.

It's time to fix what I have done. To mend, repair, give the pieces back that I have shattered. To ask for forgiveness. Will it ever be the same again? I doubt it, as broken hearts tend to leave permanent scars. But I have seen raw truth and I cannot let it rest. Today, I am grateful to see myself as I have. I'm thankful to have had her in my life, even if it can never be the same again. Today, I have decided never to make this mistake again. From this point forward, I will remember that friendships are not just about laughs, and having a good time, or even being there for a friend when they need me. I will need them too, and it's ok. They want to help, and probably will be hurt if I don't let them. That's the formation of a healthy friendship. Love, and be loved.